Traveler's Log

It is 3am on the morning of 31st day of March. And what the hell am I doing.....well I've been woken from my bed, and now I sit in the dorm room of my ex. He is currently in the bathroom making himself sick because he drank a bunch when he got off work. I'm sleepy and even so slightly annoyed, however if I would have said "No, I don't wanna come look after you" I would have felt really bad....this goes for anyone that would ask me to look after their sorry drunk asses. So now I sit.

Tiny Person in the Corner of a Big Room

Have you ever thought about how tiny we really are? Think about it, there are millions of stars, comets, black holes and planets in the universe that are light years away, and we are one tiny life-form, on a relativity tiny planet in one corner of existence. I don't know about you....but that makes me feel pretty damn small and unimportant. And yet....aliens are really only interested in landing and abducting red-necks in Death Valley, and making very simple (almost primitive) geometric designs in the grain belt. Are we that interesting? (Well if you have never seen an American red-neck...I could see how that would be interesting) Or is the rest of the Universe that boring that they want to draw in our corn?
Ok I know this is a weird blog even for me, and I'm not really in the mood to explain it. And for once, the History Channel isn't running a show about aliens or Nostradamus. This is 100% Sam philosophy.

Here's a Thought

Oh New York Times what would I do without you?! Just when I need some perspective on my life, and situation with my ex, you provide me with answers. In the Style and Fashion section on today's home page there is an article on "The Ex that Never Left". Its about a woman that was left by her husband, with no reason other than he was done and didn't want to work it out. (Sound familiar....why yes, yes it does) But he never really left her life, he still comes over, makes dinner together, help out around the house, she does his laundry...all the wife things that she did before the divorce. Just now they live in separate places. It works, her friends and current boyfriend don't understand it (which also sounds familiar minus the current boyfriend part).
What it boils down to is this....it is possible to keep him in my life and not be with him romantically (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm always going to be in love with him in some way), yes this is something that I've known from the get-go....and it's HARD! Just over looking him saying that "we'll tell them....." when talking about the someday if I get married this morning, or how he held me last night has been a little difficult to not read into. But hell I was in a six year long relationship with a man that has serious depression....and that is more than most people could do, so I think that I can do this too.
Cross my fingers, and hope for the best I guess!

If You're Not First, You're Last

First day back from Spring Break....yup did nothing that I wanted to do....I worked and it was really nice, made good money and got a good reference. But yeah...that's about all. Mostly this day just sucked from the beginning. I got woken up before my alarm...actually I'm not sure why I even set one, more often than not I get woken up to texts before my alarm anyway. Then when I was taking out my trash this morning my fingers got suck in my room door (the door for my room is really heavy). I didn't get my assignment done for my weekly class this week so I skipped. And in typical fashion, my ex texted me at the last minute to ask for a rain check on our plans. I'm not even pissed about that, I'm so used to it....it just annoys the crap out of me when he does this because it used to happen all the time. I understand wanting to see friends when you hardly ever see them....I do the same thing when a close friend of me actually finds out how to use his phone and calls me up. Hence why I can't really be pissed. (Yes all this justification says that I actually am pissed, but I really have not right to be. So there :P)
Gah, I'm just in a crappy mood thanks to this lovely, cloudy, rainy, cold day....I think I'm going to make my left-overs of chicken and noodles and watch New Moon.....maybe Edward can cheer me up.

Who Loves Ya Baby?

So a rather un-eventful day, thank goodness. Goshen hasn't started to get to me too much, and at the rate that Dad is making me drinks I don't see it being too much of a problem.....is it bad to become a heavy drinker when you stay with your parents? Oh well I'm enjoying it. Lemon-aid with a bunch of Skyy and a high def TV...all I need is the NFL Network and I would be set!
I have 3 goals for this break: work on my paper, hang out with my friends, and maybe see my family I lost from the break-up. The last part scares me to no end, I feel really weird going back to them, what if they don't want me back like I want them. I miss my nieces and my other family. And I'm kinda lacking in the essential part of that family...he is getting drunk in Florida instead.
ugh, my brain is trying to be dangerous...I will not allow myself to fall head first in to that mess again...dip my feet in...or up to my waist maybe...but not head first. I need to get my life in order! I don't have time to be worrying about a relationship, but its so hard for me to be like this. Relationship is what I've known for 6 years, while its great to not have the responsibility of a relationship....I miss having someone lying next to me at night, wrapping his arms around me in his sleep. I miss having someone that truly gives a damn about my future because its his future too. Or someone that makes me feel....anything.
And this is why Goshen suck...all I can think about is what I don't have

No Stress For One Week! I'm going on strike!!

My band director always said that we could sleep when we were dead...after nearly a week without a good night rest, and....well...I can't really say the last time I remember being not stressed out this is I feel is exactly what he was talking about. College life stress, personal life stress, and the cherry on top, a 20 page research paper due in 4 weeks. Here is the week of my Spring Break, no I'm not on the beaches of Florida, or on the deck of a cruise that I had once hoped to be on, I'm writing in my childhood bedroom at 11:30pm on Friday...I'm so lame. I just want no stress, one week to clear my mind of all the stress and rubbish that has accumulated up there...a kind of spring cleaning of my head. Dad's margaritas sure did help get the ball rolling.

I just hope that I can keep my sleep for myself, I've got the feeling that a certain someone has been stealing it from me....

It's been brought to my attention

Ok so the world has been outed. It has recently come to my attention that I actually have readers. Yes this is truly a shock to me, I imagined that my friends had enough of my bitching in real life that they wouldn't actually read this ramble.
So here is my official disclaimer:
This is in fact my totally un-rated, un-edited, non-politically correct opinions on what ever thoughts and feelings that I have at the moment that I type them or have been stewing in for a period of time. Yes most of these thoughts and feelings are about my ex, and the people closest to me, and I might rip on any of these people if you are easily offended then that's a risk that you take.
At this point in time, I'm going not going to spare anything on my mind here, this is my outlet. I'm bitter and frankly just want to get to what I want out of life. You can't build an empire with out killing some civilians in the process.

I'm going to go binge on my can of Redi Whip and watch Burn Notice
Peace Out!