Help I'm in need of some serious direction!

Being home is bad for my health. I've found that one of my friends is manipulative, and I honestly don't know what to do about it. He clearly is trying to make something happen and I don't know what it is, what his intentions are with all of these lies, and who he thinks is going to be his friend after this break is all said and done.
Last Friday is when the shit hit the fan; all I wanted was my phone back at the bar, I didn't know who had it I just wanted it back so I threatened to send a text to my ex....I had no intention of actually texting him, it was just an empty threat....my girlfriend that I was out with knew this, my other friend, I shall call him John, did not. After this part I don't understand what happened but somehow my ex got the idea that I want to talk to him again...not only did he start IMing me at 6am when I was babysitting in the morning yesterday, but also was sending me texts last night when he was bored and driving around town.
He wants to see me, and clearly wants to talk to me....and I don't know if I'm ready for this yet....I can't go back to him, I've been hurt too much by him over the years, this is the way that things need to be.
All I know is what I've been told by my girlfriend after her and John got the argument is that John thinks that I want and need to go back to my ex, that I'm withdrawing from the groups of friends because the hang out with my ex, and that my twin friends think that I don't wanna be their friends anymore because they are still friends with my ex. I can't tell you what it did to me to think that my friends would think that I'm like that, heartbreaking isn't quite strong enough.
According to the twins, when it's just the 3 of them hanging out, John has a totally different opinion on the subject, a complete 180 actually. My twin friends know that I don't have any intentions in the world of not being friends with them, and they know that I'll handle the situation the way that I feel is right and they support me and care about me no matter what. What is more infuriating is that according to the twins, John was hanging out with them all day long on Monday...and when we (my girlfriend and myself) talked to him and asked if he wanted to go over to the twin's house, he said that he didn't know if he was invited because they told him that they were busy all day.
I do not want to be manipulated and lied to. I do not want to get back with my ex, and a true friend would know that...so I'm find that everyone (with the exception of John) knows that I'm doing the best that I can. I need to heal not to be pokes, prodded, and lied too! It's really the lies that are getting to me more and more....how can you call yourself someone's friend when you are a constant liar.
I'm not even going to touch on the other issues I'm having with John this break, that's for another post for another day.

Midnight: Wednesday Morning of Finals

I've lost my mind, so far to night I've wrapped a blue scarf around my head and pranced around looking like the Virgin Mary...I might have been raised Catholic but I'm not anymore...but I did feel the need to blow off a little steam.
I've re-discovered a song on my iTunes so I've decided to just post the lyrics for this moment of insanity and procrastination.

Gravity
Sara Bareilles
Little Voice

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

We're all a little mad here

Finals are maddening. If I haven't totally lost my mind by now, after this week it will be gone. But one good thing has come from this week...well really two but only on counts for my academic life, and that is that I am done with french for the rest of my life! The other is that I just tried an ice wine for the first time in my life and it was amazing!
Me and a few girlfriends when to Oliver Winery and I don't think I've ever felt like such a wine-o in my entire life! I know what I like so I just sampled what I knew I would like, so that's what I had and then had to help my friends pick what I thought that they might like. It was really fun, and my dad was right, ice wine is the best!
OK OK back to the madness, I've got to finish this paper so that I can study for the rest of my exams.

Free drink? Why thank you!

No emo blah blah tonight.
I'm feeling amazing, my room mate is moving out soon so we went to Cheeseburger in Paradise. The bartender that we had was fairly cute and kept winking at me all night which made me feel pretty, and almost attractive! Always made sure that our drinks were full and ask about our food which was nice. But it tops off my night he didn't charge me for my second margarita! He also was waiting to say bye to us on our way out...being from the restaurant world the bartender should never hang out around the front door...he winked at me for the hundredth time on my way out. I'm feeling really good about myself right now, and a positive note in an emo blog should be noted!

Peace out!

PS: Happy Indiana Day!

Two Step Forward, One Phone Call That Makes You Cry

What the Hell am I doing!? Oh right I'm being STUPID! Why, oh why did today have to happen?!
Yes this girl has LOST IT! Move over Mad Hatter, because it's going to be MY tea party now! I woke up this morning, and thought "Damn, it's really windy and snowing" not "Hey, I really hope his MOTHER calls me today and destroys my 'I'm going to be OK without them' state of mind".
I was just sitting at my desk, thinking about what I wanted for lunch, and my phone rings, I look at the caller ID and I see her name....WHY DID I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO ANSWER THE PHONE?!?! Because it's so rare that my phone actually rings and I don't believe in not answering the phone, it's just rude. She told me that she thought that she was calling Sam's Club, not me but preceded to ask me how I was doing. I told her I didn't feel like walking in front of buses anymore, but still not great. She told me that he was stressed out about school and that "he would come around"....I DON'T WANT HIM TO COME AROUND!! I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS! HE'S HURT ME TOO MUCH! I just want him to stay where he is...it's safer for me.
Why oh why did I answer the phone, I mean I was shaking...from talking on the phone for like a grand total of 7-8 minutes tops. She wants me to come by the house when I'm home, and she told me she loved me! I convinced myself that I would never hear that again...and I did...today...and instead of being happy...I'm balling like a baby.

I need someone to save me from myself!

Just some blah blah blah

Hello empty universe that is the internet.
I really don't have any new and exciting going on in this life, but I feel the need to vent out some more of the story of the last 6 years of my life.

Firstly you really don't know me, so here it goes. My name is Samantha and I'm currently a senior at Indiana University. I came to IU really because he was here already, that and nearly all my friends from high school came here...come to find out later they came here because of me (we tend to do things like that, like my friends would copy off of my work when I was copying off of them). I'm the type that loves to go out, have a good time, and be with friends. I'm a huge Indianapolis Colts fan (actually football in general, NFL and college). I'm a gear-head, and a sucker for classic cars, specifically a 67 Mustang. I'm also a really big dork, I love my friends (whom either are gamers or are Colts fans).

I really can't bring myself to say his name so he is just going to be a pronoun. He is a grade above me, and in all actually we have nothing in common. He is a gamer and would rather raid in World of Warcraft than watch TV with me. He has chronic Depression and P.T.S, so he really doesn't like to do much of anything other than wallow in his grief and self pity...I really thought that I could help him. I'm a fixer, but there is no way that I could fix him, I know that now. And he really didn't like football, and didn't like it when I talked about it, he didn't like that I knew more about a "guy" subject than he did.

I can find peace in a few simple facts that have come about from him leaving me: I'm not getting in to a marriage that is destined to end in divorce (90% of all marriages when one spouse has depression ends in divorce), I can hopefully find happiness, I can live in a city (he didn't like the city), and I no longer feel the effects of his depression (and making me overall happier). My greatest grief is in that I lost a ton more than he did when it ended, I didn't just lose the man I loved, but my best friend in the entire world and his family. I lost my older sister and her husband, a mother, and the 4 nieces that brought me so much joy, I love you girls all so much.

OK enough for now, this whole thing really blows!

Emotional cutting

OK, not going to lie. This is a new one for me I've never been much for journaling or expressing what I feel in words it is much easier to to just cry all the time. However I think that before I start spilling my guts to the void that is the internet I should tell you the truth.

I was in a 6 year long relationship with the man I wanted to marry, on November 12 of this year, he left me. Didn't want to work things out, just told me that he was unhappy. He did cry, and most of those minutes when he was talking to me about why he was leaving I don't remember. What I do remember is this: he wasn't happy with our relationship, he really didn't know why, and the last thing I remember him saying was that "don't guilt trip me into this again". I sorta blanked out after that, the next thing I know is that I'm calling one of my close friends and crying on the floor, my dearest friend came over as soon as he called her to tell her what happened and that I would need her.

So here I am doing some emotional cutting, this seems like the best way to maybe move on and stop making so many bad decisions as that is what I feel like I've been doing left and right since he left...now I know what you're thinking "Everyone does stupid things, what makes her any different?" I'm not a crazy wild child, I try and be rational as much as possible, these last few weeks have been anything but rational.

Starting with the Navy boys....

Going to a bar for $.25 32 oz. drafts is NEVER a good idea when you're newly single after 6 years. I just wanted a cheap beer and to go to bed, when at the bar my friend and I meet 2 guys that are in the Navy, Ben who was celebrating his 7 out of 10 years in the Navy and his friend Tony who is going to college while he is on active reserve. To make the story short, they bought my friend and I quite a few rounds, and then invited us back to their house for some beer pong. This is a Thursday night, and being a college student, I have class in the morning...but who cares when you're drunk and feeling really good; not to mention that going back to a strange man's house isn't exactly a good idea either. OK fine we go back to the house, have a few more drinks and then play about 3 rounds of Pong....I'm not what you would call a "heavy drinker". Omitting my more funny moments that I've been told about, I throw up about 11 times (according to Tony and my friend) and right now all I can think of is that this would have never of happened if he didn't leave me.

But I know that's a lie....he doesn't really love me, and I have a feeling in my gut that he hadn't for quite sometime. I can't give the full story right now, it hurts to talk too much about him, maybe tomorrow I can.