Closing Down One Chapter, Opening Another

I've decided to leave this blog for one that is happier. Dwelling on everything that is bad in my life isn't going to make things better. So I close this sad little blog for a brighter, and lighter one.

Annoyed

I just need to by alone....I don't need every man in the Constant Spring to stair at me when I walk through the door. I don't need men constantly hitting on me and wanting to get with me....JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
This is the only way that I'm going to get better..........

"Its ok, we're no good at this"

Ever wake up and suddenly the entire world is clear? There is no mess of bullshit running through your head. Me and my ex...there isn't much left there...there really is no future without some serious relationship re-building...so what am I waiting for? Right now, we're no good at being a couple. He is too concerned with his future for me, and I'm starting my pre-graduation spaz. Its time to drop everything in my life and just start over. I think I can keep this friend thing going, and maybe the occasional fuck. And I think I'm ok with that.

We'll have to see how long this really lasts, but I'm going to enjoy the free mind while I can for now before I start crying over him some more. I'm really thinking that crying over him is going to be a life long even for me.

"Its harder to have everything that it is to have nothing"

Is it really easier to have nothing? No friends, no family, no lover, nothing but an empty void of what should be your heart? God I hope they are right because its the only way that I can give him what he wanted. He decided to have a life without me, no future with me, so why should he have his cake and eat it too when it only brings me a burning pain, that only he can cure? I just wanna curl up into a little ball and cry my broken heart out till it kills me. I don't wanna see my friends, I don't wanna see anyone actually. I only see my family because I live with them, if I was still at school I wouldn't be seeing anyone unless they broke my door down....which knowing some of my friends they would not only break it down, but take it away from me too.

There is no future with him, why do I keep doing this to myself?!?! A year ago he was my family, my reason to better myself, everything...and here I cry with nothing.....oh yes Emo me is back and worse than ever!

Am I his family like he said? Is there a future there that I can't see? Are we just bad for each other? Or am I just being a fucking fool and hoping for something that is no longer possible? Why doesn't he love me anymore?!?!? What did I do to make things change?? Why does this hurt so much?? Why can't I hate him for all this pain I feel?

Who am I....and other questions I'm not sure I want the answers to

What am I?
Does he love me, or just keeping me in the wings till he finds someone better?
Filling the needs that he has without the the responsibility??
Am I setting myself up for more heartbreak?
What am I going to do?

Less than standard, Less than desirable

This is not the life that I wanted for myself when I was making my grand plans a year ago. 22 years old with no job, assets, or money and being totally single while living in my parent's house is not what I had planned for myself. But hey that's what this entire fucking blog is about isn't? How bad my life sucks life after happily after is blown to hell?? I was supposed to be playing house with who I wanted to be my fiancee....I was hoping to be engaged by now. But no....I'm tearing my room apart and totally re-decorating, so that when I end up back in this tiny town where I'm never going to meet anyone, at least I'll have a nice room.
And if the constant reminders that I am in this life isn't enough to make me want to drive my car head on into a tree, my oh so perfect cousins and little brother are. My one cousin had a 4.0 for the year and is an chemical engineer, another is a mechanical engineer and pulling good grades, and the other is ROTC and has something like a 3.7. My perfect little brother also made the Dean's List. The closest I've come to the Dean's List is watching my oldest friend get it year after year. My parents tell me that my family loves me no matter what grades I get, or what I achieve in life, but that is hard to accept when you have a history degree in a family of engineers and accountants. I can't even manage to have a 3.0 with the easiest degree in the family.
I clearly have too much time on my hands....this whole summer bites already...please let it get better!

Soul Mates?

Do you believe in soul mates? Someone that is more than someone one you love unconditionally? But someone that changes you? Makes you want to wake up and be a better person, someone that opens your eyes to something that you have been blind to? I used to, and I think I still do in some ways. But I think I'm destined to be alone, never to have the family that I dreamed of one day having, but rather be alone and a mother only to my pet. Happiness isn't something that I'm going to be lucky enough hold on to.
The man I love is really gone, and in his place a man that thinks that he is a playboy. Man-child is more like it, he's an arrogant ass that thinks he's hot shit now.....and I hate him when he is like that. Where there was once warmth and goodness is now coldness and anger. He can love for an hour maybe two, and in that time his love is amazing, but then there is another and another and the love that was once so welcoming becomes the most hurtful.
So soul mates....they exist for everyone but myself. Mine has come and gone to be another man, and perhaps a soul mate for another woman who isn't myself.

New Beginning....Again??

So I'm back in my parent's house....again. This summer is going to be a learning curve, the future with my ex is yet to be determined, his habit of drinking and acting like a man-child makes it less than likely that I'll be seeing much of him. But none the less I have my twins, I don't think that they will leave me for a night drinking with a bunch of plastic bimbos. Those boys are the key to my sanity...and the reason that it is like the Mad Hatter's
I have taken charge of making my room more comfortable for myself....I'm re-decorating and very excited to see how it will all turn out! I've finally gotten a car of my own, can you say freedom?!? New bedroom for a new me...well a newer me than the new me from before....if anyone understood that, I'm super proud of you!
I so hope that the summer goes better than I think that it is. I really hope that life isn't as sad as I think it is....but we won't know till we get there, will we?

Wish me luck!

I Never Told You

I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we see
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm gone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Sometimes songs are better at expressing what I'm feeling....Thanks Colbie Caillat

Do You Know the Markers of being Crazy?

They say that people who are insane preform the same actions over and over again only to get the same failure. If this is the marker of being crazy then this is me. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, hoping that something will suddenly be different and I'll finally get the positive result. After a heart to heart with one of my friends last night, I think that I actually enjoy this sad, miserable, chopped liver feeling. Like being a cutter only instead of physical harm its mental/emotional. Or my insanity is coming from the near constant lack of sleep for the last 2 or so weeks.
I'm scared for this semester to end, to lose really everyone in my life here in Bloomington. I'm not going to have my midnight walks with my friends, I'm not going to be able to go sleep over and see my ex-lover, I'm going to be alone with my thoughts. My few friends that do live local have jobs and lives of their own and wont always have time for me. I don't wanna lose my life that I have now, I'm conformable in it.
I'm going to go be emo...and then really really drunk

Just When I Had It All Figured Out.....

I officially have no clue about what is going on. I thought I did...but now I don't think I do. And as I sit here outside my favorite cafe sporting 2 of the most massive hickies known to the world, I am clueless as to what direction my life is going. I'm trying so hard to keep my walls up when I am with my ex, even throwing out comments that I know would piss him off just to confirm to myself that I have them up still. Yes it's mean, and I hate pissing him off but I just don't trust them to stay up.
I don't understand his obsession with my one night screw up either, yes I slept with another man. But that night other than the damage that it did to every relationship that I have, that night is totally insignificant and un-important in my life I don't ever think about it unless he brings it up. I had no interest in the other guy...in fact I found him quite repulsive....and where I am right now with my ex is exactly where I want to be. I want to sleep in the arms of my ex, be kissed by him, and share his bed. I hate that he feels that night was more important that it actually was.
My walls are falling....why can't I be what he wants? I hate how the other girls treat him, they don't see him for who he is, making him feel so insignificant....when in all actuality he is so significant, and important.

PMS Boys

Many people (like the male half of the population) say that there is no way that men can have PMS. Oh do I beg to differ! The men in my life are moody, bitchy, and most of all distance. When you feel like shit, wouldn't you want to be around people you like and care about you? I guess I'm wrong, I guess you push them away and turn into little emo asses!! I might worry and count my chicks before they hatch, but I don't see how pushing people away can solve anything. But hell what do I know.

More Worries, Different Day

In true fashion, what I was worrying about a few days ago seems silly. My friend is just peachy....my mind makes things worse than they are. Its funny really knowing that my mind is a dangerous, one would think that I would really think twice about my worrisome little thoughts. Oh no I have to freak out for 24-48 hours before my mind is at peace so here we go with some more silly worries.

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET THIS PAPER DONE! NOR AM I GOING TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS DAMN HOLE OF PAPERS FOR MY OTHER CLASSES!

I wanna cry, I'm so stressed to the point that I've been giving myself headaches. This month can't go by fast enough, and yet I don't want it to end too fast or this work is going to kill me! The only thing that I can do is to take big breaths and drink some tea and hope that I'm smart enough to get out of this mess. Which I can do, I've gotten in bigger messes before and got out with some dignity. Ok, 1,2,3...I think I'm good now

A Few Minutes to Play With My Worrystone

I'm known for being a worrywart. Obsessively actually, and I'm worrying a lot the last few weeks about a close friend of mine. He isn't acting like himself, and I'm not sure if there is anything that I can do to help. He drinks a lot, says hurtful things, doesn't follow through with plans, and is acting distant.
I know that there is nothing I can do about it, but feeling helpless isn't something that I'm good at. I know he's graduating is stressful, the unknown is scary....but I don't feel like lashing out is the way to do it.
I guess the only thing that I can do is to be strong, and hope this gets worked out soon.

Traveler's Log

It is 3am on the morning of 31st day of March. And what the hell am I doing.....well I've been woken from my bed, and now I sit in the dorm room of my ex. He is currently in the bathroom making himself sick because he drank a bunch when he got off work. I'm sleepy and even so slightly annoyed, however if I would have said "No, I don't wanna come look after you" I would have felt really bad....this goes for anyone that would ask me to look after their sorry drunk asses. So now I sit.

Tiny Person in the Corner of a Big Room

Have you ever thought about how tiny we really are? Think about it, there are millions of stars, comets, black holes and planets in the universe that are light years away, and we are one tiny life-form, on a relativity tiny planet in one corner of existence. I don't know about you....but that makes me feel pretty damn small and unimportant. And yet....aliens are really only interested in landing and abducting red-necks in Death Valley, and making very simple (almost primitive) geometric designs in the grain belt. Are we that interesting? (Well if you have never seen an American red-neck...I could see how that would be interesting) Or is the rest of the Universe that boring that they want to draw in our corn?
Ok I know this is a weird blog even for me, and I'm not really in the mood to explain it. And for once, the History Channel isn't running a show about aliens or Nostradamus. This is 100% Sam philosophy.

Here's a Thought

Oh New York Times what would I do without you?! Just when I need some perspective on my life, and situation with my ex, you provide me with answers. In the Style and Fashion section on today's home page there is an article on "The Ex that Never Left". Its about a woman that was left by her husband, with no reason other than he was done and didn't want to work it out. (Sound familiar....why yes, yes it does) But he never really left her life, he still comes over, makes dinner together, help out around the house, she does his laundry...all the wife things that she did before the divorce. Just now they live in separate places. It works, her friends and current boyfriend don't understand it (which also sounds familiar minus the current boyfriend part).
What it boils down to is this....it is possible to keep him in my life and not be with him romantically (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm always going to be in love with him in some way), yes this is something that I've known from the get-go....and it's HARD! Just over looking him saying that "we'll tell them....." when talking about the someday if I get married this morning, or how he held me last night has been a little difficult to not read into. But hell I was in a six year long relationship with a man that has serious depression....and that is more than most people could do, so I think that I can do this too.
Cross my fingers, and hope for the best I guess!

If You're Not First, You're Last

First day back from Spring Break....yup did nothing that I wanted to do....I worked and it was really nice, made good money and got a good reference. But yeah...that's about all. Mostly this day just sucked from the beginning. I got woken up before my alarm...actually I'm not sure why I even set one, more often than not I get woken up to texts before my alarm anyway. Then when I was taking out my trash this morning my fingers got suck in my room door (the door for my room is really heavy). I didn't get my assignment done for my weekly class this week so I skipped. And in typical fashion, my ex texted me at the last minute to ask for a rain check on our plans. I'm not even pissed about that, I'm so used to it....it just annoys the crap out of me when he does this because it used to happen all the time. I understand wanting to see friends when you hardly ever see them....I do the same thing when a close friend of me actually finds out how to use his phone and calls me up. Hence why I can't really be pissed. (Yes all this justification says that I actually am pissed, but I really have not right to be. So there :P)
Gah, I'm just in a crappy mood thanks to this lovely, cloudy, rainy, cold day....I think I'm going to make my left-overs of chicken and noodles and watch New Moon.....maybe Edward can cheer me up.

Who Loves Ya Baby?

So a rather un-eventful day, thank goodness. Goshen hasn't started to get to me too much, and at the rate that Dad is making me drinks I don't see it being too much of a problem.....is it bad to become a heavy drinker when you stay with your parents? Oh well I'm enjoying it. Lemon-aid with a bunch of Skyy and a high def TV...all I need is the NFL Network and I would be set!
I have 3 goals for this break: work on my paper, hang out with my friends, and maybe see my family I lost from the break-up. The last part scares me to no end, I feel really weird going back to them, what if they don't want me back like I want them. I miss my nieces and my other family. And I'm kinda lacking in the essential part of that family...he is getting drunk in Florida instead.
ugh, my brain is trying to be dangerous...I will not allow myself to fall head first in to that mess again...dip my feet in...or up to my waist maybe...but not head first. I need to get my life in order! I don't have time to be worrying about a relationship, but its so hard for me to be like this. Relationship is what I've known for 6 years, while its great to not have the responsibility of a relationship....I miss having someone lying next to me at night, wrapping his arms around me in his sleep. I miss having someone that truly gives a damn about my future because its his future too. Or someone that makes me feel....anything.
And this is why Goshen suck...all I can think about is what I don't have

No Stress For One Week! I'm going on strike!!

My band director always said that we could sleep when we were dead...after nearly a week without a good night rest, and....well...I can't really say the last time I remember being not stressed out this is I feel is exactly what he was talking about. College life stress, personal life stress, and the cherry on top, a 20 page research paper due in 4 weeks. Here is the week of my Spring Break, no I'm not on the beaches of Florida, or on the deck of a cruise that I had once hoped to be on, I'm writing in my childhood bedroom at 11:30pm on Friday...I'm so lame. I just want no stress, one week to clear my mind of all the stress and rubbish that has accumulated up there...a kind of spring cleaning of my head. Dad's margaritas sure did help get the ball rolling.

I just hope that I can keep my sleep for myself, I've got the feeling that a certain someone has been stealing it from me....

It's been brought to my attention

Ok so the world has been outed. It has recently come to my attention that I actually have readers. Yes this is truly a shock to me, I imagined that my friends had enough of my bitching in real life that they wouldn't actually read this ramble.
So here is my official disclaimer:
This is in fact my totally un-rated, un-edited, non-politically correct opinions on what ever thoughts and feelings that I have at the moment that I type them or have been stewing in for a period of time. Yes most of these thoughts and feelings are about my ex, and the people closest to me, and I might rip on any of these people if you are easily offended then that's a risk that you take.
At this point in time, I'm going not going to spare anything on my mind here, this is my outlet. I'm bitter and frankly just want to get to what I want out of life. You can't build an empire with out killing some civilians in the process.

I'm going to go binge on my can of Redi Whip and watch Burn Notice
Peace Out!

"If something sounds to good to be true, then it's best shoot it to be sure"

I'm looking at my last post....and I sound like a total whore. I'm trying not to get my feelings confused about things right now, I still have feelings for my ex, and I know that he has to as well (I hope). And now my girlfriend is back in my life....not really sure how I feel about it, I think that the only reason that she is because my ex talking to her about the issue that we had. I don't want her drama I've got my own issues to deal with, like graduating and getting a job....not being like her. Not caring about her and her issues makes me feel like an evil bitch but then I have my ex in one ear saying to just drop her like she tried to drop me and my other guy friend in the other ear saying that being around her makes me someone that I'm not.....and they both along with all my other friends and family like me better when I'm not under her influence.

What to do, oh what to do.....get a job, pay off my loans, go back to grad school, get my PH.D in art history, spend the rest of my life in a museum......maybe get married and have a family, that dream I always used to have before it was all taken away

Peace, Love and C4!

A Good Reward

I fucked him.....3 months to the day since he left me....and we fucked and it was amazing......I'm so going to hell

Curiouser and Curiouser

I can't stop dreaming about him. Just when I can push him out of my mind, I dream about him some more. I don't want him back, I can't be in a relationship, not now...my heart isn't healed yet. I can be his friend, I can care about him in a Platonic way...at least in my conscious state.
Oh what the hell should I do?

Chakras and Balance

The Cheshire Cat asks Alice if she can stand on her head, and then takes off his head and stands atop it. I cannot stand on my head, but from the 18 weeks of yoga classes that I took my sophomore year of college, taught me is that doing a head or shoulder stand can reline the chakras and help find balance. I cannot do a head stand, but I can do a shoulder stand, and have found myself doing that quite often.
Finding balance isn't something that I'm good at, and I think that I have not only lost the balance in my life, but lost sight of what is important. I don't know if this is to do with my influences or with my Anahata (heart chakra) being too bright and not fitting in with the balance of my other chakras. But I have come to terms with my life at this moment, and I just need to get my head on straight and look eternally for what I need to-do, what makes me happiest, and most of all what person I want and need to be.

A Different Kind of Lost Love

I've made a huge mistake, and I've lost my best friend as a result. I don't blame her for not being around me and to not trust me when I can't even trust myself. I love her and never meant to hurt her, and that's exactly what I've done. And like I did when I lost my last love, I've buried the pain; she left Bloomington to get away. I can't do anything to change the situation, I'm just going to give her some space and pray that someday she and everyone around me can trust me again. I'm lost and alone. So what do I do, I think that I'm going to try and go to church and find some answers. And get back on the path that I used to be on, the one that made sense.

As for the other thing I just did tonight, I don't know. But right now, I'm not hurting anyone by keeping it between me and my conscience. I'm not ready to start anything, so I'm not...but it felt so good "like my own personal brand of heroin"

Which way is up?

Going with my unhealthy interest in Alice in Wonderland, I've been finding myself questioning what side of the Looking Glass I've gone on. Though now that I can call myself a functioning human, no longer curling up in a ball and crying about my ex. I find myself in situations that I'm not familiar with, dating being the biggest one. I'm happy....ish. Happiness is not something that I have allowed myself to have in a long time, and here I am.
But back to my issues with the Looking Glass, I question what side I'm currently in...the real world or Wonderland? Is what I see the world that is really out there or is it a reflection of what I want to be out there? I mean it's not ever night I find myself making out with a total stranger after a night at the bar....I don't want that to be me...that's not me. Of course then again I need to find out who the heck I am anymore, the person I though was me was destroyed in the break-up. That girl is dead, and I've found that I'm more of an empty frame...empty and lonely. And what I can only describe as an emo hippie.
Yes it's true I have amazing friends, and wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's been brought to my attention that I really am alone; no one to come home to, no one to watch TV in bed with, no one to ask me how my day was. I think I need to find two grand, then I can buy a dog.
I'm also tired of my friends judging me for "drinking too much". They mean well, I'm sure but they really don't understand how little I actually go drinking. I tend to binge when I do drink and that's were the funny stories come from, but the fact that they believe that my life is controlled by the bottle is ridiculous. I'm not some train wreck, and drinking because I can't deal with not having my ex in my life.
OK OK...Peace out, I've got a date to finish getting ready for!

An Order of Crazy with a Side of Madness

OK I've made it through the most trying times of the winter season, Christmas and New Year. And I'm welcoming 2010 with open arms, and watching the Winter Classic at Fenway. I've found that I really enjoy hockey this winter, I'm smelling a football substitute for the winter months. In all actuality the last week hasn't been too bad, I've been called a drunk by a friend that I no longer speak to, and rang in the New Year with my close friends here at home. But I'm ready for the start of the Spring semester and to throw myself back into my work, that and I can't freaking wait to get into the museum...a dream come true!

Peace out ya'll! Its bowl day, and man is the field for the Penn State game a mess!