"Its ok, we're no good at this"

Ever wake up and suddenly the entire world is clear? There is no mess of bullshit running through your head. Me and my ex...there isn't much left there...there really is no future without some serious relationship re-building...so what am I waiting for? Right now, we're no good at being a couple. He is too concerned with his future for me, and I'm starting my pre-graduation spaz. Its time to drop everything in my life and just start over. I think I can keep this friend thing going, and maybe the occasional fuck. And I think I'm ok with that.

We'll have to see how long this really lasts, but I'm going to enjoy the free mind while I can for now before I start crying over him some more. I'm really thinking that crying over him is going to be a life long even for me.

"Its harder to have everything that it is to have nothing"

Is it really easier to have nothing? No friends, no family, no lover, nothing but an empty void of what should be your heart? God I hope they are right because its the only way that I can give him what he wanted. He decided to have a life without me, no future with me, so why should he have his cake and eat it too when it only brings me a burning pain, that only he can cure? I just wanna curl up into a little ball and cry my broken heart out till it kills me. I don't wanna see my friends, I don't wanna see anyone actually. I only see my family because I live with them, if I was still at school I wouldn't be seeing anyone unless they broke my door down....which knowing some of my friends they would not only break it down, but take it away from me too.

There is no future with him, why do I keep doing this to myself?!?! A year ago he was my family, my reason to better myself, everything...and here I cry with nothing.....oh yes Emo me is back and worse than ever!

Am I his family like he said? Is there a future there that I can't see? Are we just bad for each other? Or am I just being a fucking fool and hoping for something that is no longer possible? Why doesn't he love me anymore?!?!? What did I do to make things change?? Why does this hurt so much?? Why can't I hate him for all this pain I feel?

Who am I....and other questions I'm not sure I want the answers to

What am I?
Does he love me, or just keeping me in the wings till he finds someone better?
Filling the needs that he has without the the responsibility??
Am I setting myself up for more heartbreak?
What am I going to do?

Less than standard, Less than desirable

This is not the life that I wanted for myself when I was making my grand plans a year ago. 22 years old with no job, assets, or money and being totally single while living in my parent's house is not what I had planned for myself. But hey that's what this entire fucking blog is about isn't? How bad my life sucks life after happily after is blown to hell?? I was supposed to be playing house with who I wanted to be my fiancee....I was hoping to be engaged by now. But no....I'm tearing my room apart and totally re-decorating, so that when I end up back in this tiny town where I'm never going to meet anyone, at least I'll have a nice room.
And if the constant reminders that I am in this life isn't enough to make me want to drive my car head on into a tree, my oh so perfect cousins and little brother are. My one cousin had a 4.0 for the year and is an chemical engineer, another is a mechanical engineer and pulling good grades, and the other is ROTC and has something like a 3.7. My perfect little brother also made the Dean's List. The closest I've come to the Dean's List is watching my oldest friend get it year after year. My parents tell me that my family loves me no matter what grades I get, or what I achieve in life, but that is hard to accept when you have a history degree in a family of engineers and accountants. I can't even manage to have a 3.0 with the easiest degree in the family.
I clearly have too much time on my hands....this whole summer bites already...please let it get better!

Soul Mates?

Do you believe in soul mates? Someone that is more than someone one you love unconditionally? But someone that changes you? Makes you want to wake up and be a better person, someone that opens your eyes to something that you have been blind to? I used to, and I think I still do in some ways. But I think I'm destined to be alone, never to have the family that I dreamed of one day having, but rather be alone and a mother only to my pet. Happiness isn't something that I'm going to be lucky enough hold on to.
The man I love is really gone, and in his place a man that thinks that he is a playboy. Man-child is more like it, he's an arrogant ass that thinks he's hot shit now.....and I hate him when he is like that. Where there was once warmth and goodness is now coldness and anger. He can love for an hour maybe two, and in that time his love is amazing, but then there is another and another and the love that was once so welcoming becomes the most hurtful.
So soul mates....they exist for everyone but myself. Mine has come and gone to be another man, and perhaps a soul mate for another woman who isn't myself.

New Beginning....Again??

So I'm back in my parent's house....again. This summer is going to be a learning curve, the future with my ex is yet to be determined, his habit of drinking and acting like a man-child makes it less than likely that I'll be seeing much of him. But none the less I have my twins, I don't think that they will leave me for a night drinking with a bunch of plastic bimbos. Those boys are the key to my sanity...and the reason that it is like the Mad Hatter's
I have taken charge of making my room more comfortable for myself....I'm re-decorating and very excited to see how it will all turn out! I've finally gotten a car of my own, can you say freedom?!? New bedroom for a new me...well a newer me than the new me from before....if anyone understood that, I'm super proud of you!
I so hope that the summer goes better than I think that it is. I really hope that life isn't as sad as I think it is....but we won't know till we get there, will we?

Wish me luck!

I Never Told You

I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we see
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm gone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Sometimes songs are better at expressing what I'm feeling....Thanks Colbie Caillat