Just When I Had It All Figured Out.....

I officially have no clue about what is going on. I thought I did...but now I don't think I do. And as I sit here outside my favorite cafe sporting 2 of the most massive hickies known to the world, I am clueless as to what direction my life is going. I'm trying so hard to keep my walls up when I am with my ex, even throwing out comments that I know would piss him off just to confirm to myself that I have them up still. Yes it's mean, and I hate pissing him off but I just don't trust them to stay up.
I don't understand his obsession with my one night screw up either, yes I slept with another man. But that night other than the damage that it did to every relationship that I have, that night is totally insignificant and un-important in my life I don't ever think about it unless he brings it up. I had no interest in the other guy...in fact I found him quite repulsive....and where I am right now with my ex is exactly where I want to be. I want to sleep in the arms of my ex, be kissed by him, and share his bed. I hate that he feels that night was more important that it actually was.
My walls are falling....why can't I be what he wants? I hate how the other girls treat him, they don't see him for who he is, making him feel so insignificant....when in all actuality he is so significant, and important.